Fenris

This entry is dedicated to Fenris, the loved and loving companion of Jill, my daughter. She has been missing for almost a week and Jill is frantic. Beyond frantic. Desolate, inconsolable, going-out-of- her-mind-crazy with grief at the mere thought of never seeing Fen again. They have been together for 12 years. Longer then some marriages.

I have often been able to fix the things that have gone wrong in Jill's life......but not this time. Beyond searching, canvassing the neighbors, hanging up 'missing' fliers, talking to the Stockton, Bolivar and Springfield cops, the Humane Society, Stockton branch of the Cause for Paws, and calling in to radio talk shows like Tradeo, Shop Talk and Party Line, I can't fix this one. Oh, did I mention praying my head off?

This is one of the last pictures taken of Fen before I 'BUILT' a new garden box.

I spoke with Heavenly Father numerous times. He is not answering my prayers. Or if he is, I am not liking the answer. I continue to pray. Daily. More than daily. All day. Pleading. Bargaining. Angry. Contrite. But with no understanding of this.

Right now, it is storming furiously. Thunder woke me. I looked on the porch to see if she had come back for shelter. She had not. Then I see how hard it is raining and wonder where she is. She could be on her way back to Jill in Springfield. Or just enjoying the total freedom she has taken. I opt for the former. My next thought brings tears to my eyes: is she already gone on ahead of Jill, waiting at the 'gate' for her companion to come, too? "This is not an option," my head screams.

All of my ideas about her being missing run through my head again. Stolen. Not likely since it would be difficult for a stranger to approach her. Hit by a car and limped off into the woods to rest or ...... my brain wont wrap around that one yet. She is too wily to allow her lights to be put out by a car. OK, shot by a farmer for playing with his livestock. She wouldn't hurt them. But some of them like to run with her. Running not good for putting on pounds of beef. Hence, the weapon-toting farmer. In my heart I think she went a little farther than her normal short range around our 30 acres and found herself thinking of home-where-Jill-is. A little too long away. Why is has taken so long to do so, I can't fathom.

Jill holds on to the hope I keep alive in her...rightly or wrongly. She is crushed...I am crushed...and a little guilty. Fen was with Russ and I when she disappeared. That makes me feel guilty, even though she has been here numerous times before with no problems. We don't know what to think.

This has been by far the miost devastating thing to happen to Jill...and alot of crap has happened in her life. She has gotten through it, clawing her way out, grasping at straws that turn to a rod of iron, sliding around obstacles to escape situations. She is strong, in spirit and resolve. i HOPE ( AND, YES, PRAY) that she has another inner strength to draw from through this.

There are many horrible things going on in the world now. Most would think that this is just a small matter of a missing pet. It is not. If no one understands this fact, Jill and I do. Fen is and has been a part of Jill's life for so long, she qual;ifies as a companion, to be grieved and missed just as a child or spose or parent would be grieved for. Not many understand this about them.

At this point, Jill wants closure. She is slowly accepting that Fen may not be coming back to her but without knowing what happened to her, it will be a living hell to go on. We understand. Some others will to but they will go on with their lives as if nothing has changed in the world. For Jill, her world will be a little less bright, a little less friendly, a lot lonlier, and sheer torture going on with so many questions unanswered. And I can do little to comfort her...though I try.