7 days in hell....

When my daughters dog/companion, Fen, came out for a little vacation with us, to run on Willow Pond Ranch, and play with Boomer, our dog and Skittles the cat, we had no idea how devastating the next few days later would become...when she went missing! We saw her Wednesday night and by morning she was gone. No trace.





Well. Thursday. We thought she had perhaps followed a strange dog off the property. One had been hanging around for a day or two. Surely when evening came, she would be back so not to miss Daddy's delicious dinners he serves her and Boomer. But evening fell and no Fen.





Ok,Friday. She will really be hungry by morning she will be back by then. No show. Now we are beginning to worry.It is time to think about telling Jill her precious friend is missing. It did not go well. Oh, she didn't fly off the handle as I had expected her to . She didn't accuse us of losing her dog...she really didn't think we did. But most heart wrenching of all,,,,I could hear her quietly crying. It broke my heart, as hers was breaking too. We talked about it and where she might be and all of that.





We suspected she had had enough of the country, missed her friend and had simply decided to go home....to Springfield. And she may have started out with that in her heart, but I am afraid she took a detour...a bit too north to be going south.





Jill came flying over and looked and called for Fen,watched me make fliers to post around town to assist in finding her, we hoped. Even had a picture. She (Jill) and I took them to town and pasted them all over the stores that were then open. Five or six. Her demeanor was quiet an resigned to the fact that Fen was gone. She just wasn't ready yet. It happened to quickly! No warning!



Then we returned home, watching for her all the way. No luck. Well, in our defense, it WAS quite dark by then. We asked Jill to stay but she decided to go back home in case Fen had indeed made it home. She was in despair. Fen and Jill have been together for over twelve years. She is a beautiful Malamute Mix, with a mind of her own. But she dotes on Jill. Will let her do things that no other person would be allowed to do.

'home'


So, carefully, Jill drove home...going slowly, looking and I am sure , calling for Fenris. No success.

That night, Jill burned the rubber on her phone, so-to-speak, by texting. Not jut me, I'm sure, but I saved all those texts...I didn't know why. But ut has occurred to me that for an insight into the feelings and emotions associated with losing your best friend, some of these texts may be eye opening to some...and to many others. So throughout this blog, I will attempt to slide in a few relevant to what I am speaking about.



'Shes dead. Or shes hurt and i cant help her. I cant lose her like this'

On Saturday I called a local station to advertise her loss on 'swap shop'. They were very nice about giving me all the time I needed. They actually read it into many more spots at later times, so the word was out.

'Im terified. I cant lose her. I cant. She wld cme back 2u if she could. Im rly going 2lose my mind. I cant take this'

'Im scared. Beyond scared. If i slp i will hav nytmares thn wake up n realize its true all ovr agin'

I bagan getting calls from as far as Bolivar. I also made calls to our son Eric at the Polk County sherrifs office to alert them she could be going that way.Also the animal shelter there,and talked to the animal shelter here in Stockton. All took info with promise to call if they see her.

'I dont no anythng. Im going 2b in complete hell until i no. If shes dead that will b anothr hell'

'Thr r coyotes. Ppl w guns and cars. Ppl n small animals she clda gone aftr n they hurt or kild her and will nvr report it'



At the time this all began I had just begun evening training as an enumerator for the CENSUS. So all that was done was done in the hours before I left for Greenfield. I could not concentrate but did pull a 99% from the class...and did not expect to be called.

I digress. Several horrific days went by with Russ and I haunting the back fields, scanning the sky for buzzards as a sign of something on the ground. We have been all over this place, plus all the way to Humansville. n our way back we put a flier up at the boat and tackle shop along the river.

Thr r coyotes. Ppl w guns and cars. Ppl n small animals she clda gone aftr n they hurt or kild her and will nvr report it

I cant take this. I can not take this


I live for her shes the most important part of my life. I realy cant take this. I can not take this. I dont how 2lose her


Im totaly alone. No one can do anything. No one can say anything. Im in hell. And it doesnt matter

Im totaly alone. No one can do anything. No one can say anything. Im in hell. And it doesnt matter


Im totaly alone. No one can do anything. No one can say anything. Im in hell. And it doesnt matter



3 days gone so far. Jill is frantic...between the hope of her safety and the certainty of her death.


I kpt dreamng bout her cmng n dog door it was so real each time. Thn id wake up evn told myslf lst cpl tmes it wasnt real


Im in hell



Shes dead. Thrs no othr xplaination. And i cant evn bury her. I will nvr no wat hapnd. Thank


I cant stop this. Its driving me insane mom. If shes dead i need to know. If not i need to know where she is but i dont


Do u no any1 w horses. Or 4weelers? Can u ask ur church 2all look. Shes my life shes not a dog. Please

I dont know what 2do mom. I cant do anything. I dont want 2be awake dont want 2sleep


I want all of stokton 2no. They all nd2 no. Tell all of ur church and tell them 2tell evry1 they no plz.

My souls not worth much right now. W out her i dont even want it

Much of what JIll is saying is in response to my texts to her, which I did not save.


No1 will have her but sum1 myt have infrmation on ware she is. Alive or dead


Hope & doubt r taking turns ripping me apart


Wat r u doing? How many ppl know? I wish sum1 wld jst tell me wethr shes alive or dead


I dont no If she thot i left her there and wasnt coming back. I cant handle this. I want2 stop it but i can


Do u think shes dead




This is Sunday now. Jill has wrecked her house in fury and pain. Now has to clean it up. Gives her something to do, she says. She cant stand the waiting and not knowing.


And ppl wld be calling the cops. Unles they killd her themslvs n wich case they prbly wldnt call if they saw flier


I want sum1 to tell me shes not dead. I need sum1 2tell me that. Ryt now. The longest shes evr ben gone here is 3days. yrs ago


I woried then but not like now. Its difrnt now. I love her even more now. she doesnt no stoktn and its country w farm ppl who@ hav guns@

Sum1 cld hav shot her 4mesng w thr animals thn jst dumpd her sumware like trash


Its hell being awake but dreaming agin like i did last nyt is worse hell. It was so real evry tme. The lst tme i askd evry1 i@f it was real bcuz id had ben @

Havng the same dream that seemd real but wasnt. They all sed yes its real. Thn woke up agin and it wasnt. I cant take that agin

II need to shut up. All any1 can do is pity me. That dsnt hlp. Its pointles 4me 2keep doing ths but i am human as mch as i no@ betr & try2 fight it @

Im human w the same exact weakneses as the rest of them.


AND THAT MAKES HER CRAZY!!

Did u tell them all how important she is? Not that any1 wld truly undrstand that. Iv loved my dogs b4 but fen is not a dog


I n 1of my dreams she was talkng. I dont rembr wat she sed. She was covrd w ticks and bites. She was about dead But she was here


No1 on earth knows how i feel. Except maybe mothers of mising kids. I cant stand this but im forced2. I hav no choice but2 take it

Im scared she mayv thot i left her and tried2come home. Thts1of the many thngs im scared of. Her being "unfrndly"2strangrs sh@e encntrs@

REUNION!!!!!

iIAM TOO EXCITED TO TRY AND TURN THIS PIC THE RIGHT WAY, SO TILT YOUR HEAD!!! (More later)

A daughter's thoughts...

THIS IS AN EMAIL SENT TO ME FROM MY DAUGHTER, jILL, THE DAY AFTER HER BELOVED FEN WAS RETURNED TO HER! I will have more to say on this subject later in the week!!

"i still cant sleep.. i'm so exhausted, but still i cant sleep.

fen is the same as she always is when she gets back from being free out there. she stays in her room for about a week at night, but after that shes sleeping with me again. she lays on my legs.. she dreams vividly and practically runs in her sleep, so i have to shove her a lot, she stops for a second then starts it again.. all night long.. thats one of the many things i was desperately wanting to feel again, and terrified of living without, and her steaing my seat, and the way she plays with her bones i'm so proud of her for becoming who she these days.. shes come SOOOOO far from the animal she once was.. i'm thankful to basil for being kind to her.. open a car door and shes in like the wind.. the guard dog thing never would have worked out anyway. i know she may look scary, but she's shy and skittish and will only attack if she feels shes being threatened.. she has also come a long way with little dogs, shes made great friends out of at least 2 little dogs so far.. jans little dog and a little stray yorkie i had for a day.. she plays like a puppy with them.. its not little dogs that she doesnt like, its little dog attitude that a lot of them have.. if ANY dog is cool with her FIRST, she will be cool with them, but she always waits for them to make the first move.. its the same with people.. if people are gentle, slow and kind with her she warms up.. she hates strangers touching her feet, but when i'm with her she will allow them to clip her toenails.. i hate touching her feet because i know they are extremely sensitive to her, but she always always me to do whatever i need to do to her.. she trusts me like she trusts no one else, i step on her all the time when i'm getting up from the couch and she doesnt even move because she knows i will never actually STEP on her.. i always feel her first before i put any weight on her. if anyone else touches her when shes sleeping like that she jumps up and away, but she hasnt bit anyone for years.. shes given warnings a few times to people when they're doing something she doesnt like, but shes not an aggressive dog.. she really isnt. she never was.. and she has NEVER been aggressive towards me at all.. not even a growl.. i'm the only person she will not even bark at when shes playing.. she whines and whimpers to me, but thats about it.. she was just misunderstood. she still is not a FRIENDLY dog, not a come up and lick your face wagging her tail kind of dog, but shes not aggressive. shes a "i dont really care, just take me for a walk" dog... thats her happy thing.. walks and rides.. she does give me tiny licks every now and then on the face, but those are few and far between.. she smacks me in the face every morning when she thinks its time for me to get up and give her a walk.. its cute, but it hurts.. i missed that too. if given a chance i know she would have left basil's and went back to your house, but she knows her home is here, as boring as it is here for her. she would roam around forever if she could.. thats when shes happiest.. i mean slide on the floor jump around the room happy.. when she knows shes going for a walk... she likes to have company on her walks though.. if i'm just sitting at the creek with her, she stays by me, she wont wonder off too far, but as soon as i stand up shes ready to go some more.. theres no way i would have ever let her run off a leash like i do now years ago... she used to FREAK out in cars as well, but now shes calm and stays in the back as long as she has her head out the window shes all good.. as for prayers.. i never once said prayers didnt work.. i was angry because thats ALL people were offering.. not many people actually HELPED.. i prayed too.. i prayed to her. i promised her if she would just come back to me, just BE here with me again, i would take her for a walk every day and not complain about it.. i begged, pleaded and went insane.. she answered my prayer and i intend on keeping my promise until the day she dies FAAAAAR in the future.. it wasnt time yet.. i was not ready at all. as for the biscuits, i guarantee you she was eating them because she was starving. as soon as she gets back to being spoiled she will ignore them like she does every other starchy food.. not that that mattered, just thought i'd throw that in.. shes not a dog biscuit kind of girl.. shes a red meat girl.. white meat she will eat sometimes after she plays with it for a while.. thats really cute too.. she does the same thing with her bones.. out of the blue she'll just go to one of her bones and act like a pony.. she will also cover her face with her paw when i'm loving on her too much, like a little kid would do to its mom... thats very cute as well. its not very often when she seeks ME out for attention (usually i'm the one tracking her down to give her hugs and kisses) but when she does its the most adorable thing ever on earth.. most of the time she just tolerates my hugs and kisses until she cant take it anymore then she leaves.. but if i havent paid enough attention to her for a while (usually when i'm the computer) she will walk back and forth under the desk around my feet pushing on my legs, until i stop and love on her.. she is VERY much like a child in a lot of ways, and like a preteen/teenager in others. she is not a dog to me in any way, other than she has 4 legs and fur.. we communicate with each other and we understand each other in a way thats just not possible with a dog.. she also knows she has me wrapped me around her little toe, and she uses it whenever it suits her, but she also always does what i ask of her, she may protest for a second or two, but she gives in.. like with baths.. i used to have to drag her kicking and screaming to the tub and wrestle her to stay IN.. now she tries to run and pull away when she reads my mind and knows we're going to the bathroom, but once we get in the bathroom.. i just have to give her a shove towards the tub and she jumps in and stays in. everything about her is precious, even her cornchip smelling feet and fur that falls off constantly, her undercoat is pretty much gone now since i've been brushing it since it the beginning of spring, but she will continue to shed FOREVER winter, summer spring fall.. and i dont mind any of it at all.. i wasn't ready to let it go yet... simply was not ready. i dont think i ever will be, but THIS was NOT the time.. i love her for all that she always has been, for all that shes become and for all that we've become together.
i guess i should try to go to sleep now.. hopefully sleep will actually come this time. i love you.. i hope you sleep well and have a wonderfully fabulous day today.. i'm going to sleep for 18 hours :) "

Fenris

This entry is dedicated to Fenris, the loved and loving companion of Jill, my daughter. She has been missing for almost a week and Jill is frantic. Beyond frantic. Desolate, inconsolable, going-out-of- her-mind-crazy with grief at the mere thought of never seeing Fen again. They have been together for 12 years. Longer then some marriages.

I have often been able to fix the things that have gone wrong in Jill's life......but not this time. Beyond searching, canvassing the neighbors, hanging up 'missing' fliers, talking to the Stockton, Bolivar and Springfield cops, the Humane Society, Stockton branch of the Cause for Paws, and calling in to radio talk shows like Tradeo, Shop Talk and Party Line, I can't fix this one. Oh, did I mention praying my head off?

This is one of the last pictures taken of Fen before I 'BUILT' a new garden box.

I spoke with Heavenly Father numerous times. He is not answering my prayers. Or if he is, I am not liking the answer. I continue to pray. Daily. More than daily. All day. Pleading. Bargaining. Angry. Contrite. But with no understanding of this.

Right now, it is storming furiously. Thunder woke me. I looked on the porch to see if she had come back for shelter. She had not. Then I see how hard it is raining and wonder where she is. She could be on her way back to Jill in Springfield. Or just enjoying the total freedom she has taken. I opt for the former. My next thought brings tears to my eyes: is she already gone on ahead of Jill, waiting at the 'gate' for her companion to come, too? "This is not an option," my head screams.

All of my ideas about her being missing run through my head again. Stolen. Not likely since it would be difficult for a stranger to approach her. Hit by a car and limped off into the woods to rest or ...... my brain wont wrap around that one yet. She is too wily to allow her lights to be put out by a car. OK, shot by a farmer for playing with his livestock. She wouldn't hurt them. But some of them like to run with her. Running not good for putting on pounds of beef. Hence, the weapon-toting farmer. In my heart I think she went a little farther than her normal short range around our 30 acres and found herself thinking of home-where-Jill-is. A little too long away. Why is has taken so long to do so, I can't fathom.

Jill holds on to the hope I keep alive in her...rightly or wrongly. She is crushed...I am crushed...and a little guilty. Fen was with Russ and I when she disappeared. That makes me feel guilty, even though she has been here numerous times before with no problems. We don't know what to think.

This has been by far the miost devastating thing to happen to Jill...and alot of crap has happened in her life. She has gotten through it, clawing her way out, grasping at straws that turn to a rod of iron, sliding around obstacles to escape situations. She is strong, in spirit and resolve. i HOPE ( AND, YES, PRAY) that she has another inner strength to draw from through this.

There are many horrible things going on in the world now. Most would think that this is just a small matter of a missing pet. It is not. If no one understands this fact, Jill and I do. Fen is and has been a part of Jill's life for so long, she qual;ifies as a companion, to be grieved and missed just as a child or spose or parent would be grieved for. Not many understand this about them.

At this point, Jill wants closure. She is slowly accepting that Fen may not be coming back to her but without knowing what happened to her, it will be a living hell to go on. We understand. Some others will to but they will go on with their lives as if nothing has changed in the world. For Jill, her world will be a little less bright, a little less friendly, a lot lonlier, and sheer torture going on with so many questions unanswered. And I can do little to comfort her...though I try.